Complete

To be content
is rudimental
placid at most

neither gay nor bitter
fundamentally incomplete
and
incompleteness demands solitude
a solitary floating state of being content

and it daunts you abruptly
when you least expect it

Hopelessness is a disease
a brushfire of accidental events
or is it?

and the cure is also never planned
it eventuates

the disease and its cure are both stupefying accidents
they just happen
as simple as that
and if you cry out "why?"
they simply tell you:
"Things just happen"

Surprises good or bad
were never of interest to me
"control" I always demanded
yet I consistently prayed for an uncontrollable,
unforeseen eventuality
an act of exhilarating surprise a happening, a cure:

to be Complete

Content and Hopeless
I found a cure
that creates butterflies in the gut
that makes me feel whole

--- free

---- pleasantly surprised

---- happy


---Complete---

Selling out your lover

Her eyes flare up like a distant bonfire,

her skin flushes with warm blood, when she retires

after each time she breaks a poor lover's heart

The radiance that fills her atmosphere,

the pride to have broken hearts far and near

decorate her soul like trophies of the war of hearts

But behind the veil of this killer iron maiden

underneath that glorious fire and well hidden

she has a weak side for me,

she still loves me

and that is what burns her up.

Trading love is easier than selling out your lover

The world never rewards a betrayer

Selling Joseph for Nasseriah's Gold

was never a profitable trade

The world never rewards a betrayer

The fire now burns up her eyes,

the blood that flushed her face, surprised!?

now heat up her brain, she's going insane

The pride that gave her power, gave her speed

betrays her now, in the time of need

and thoughts of the haunted broken hearts bring her pain

Going insane?

Gone insane!

But behind the cloak of this killer iron maiden

underneath that glorious fire and well hidden

It is my love that burns her soul

cause she still loves me

"the sold out lover"

Trading love is easier than selling out your lover

The world never rewards a betrayer

Selling Joseph for Nasseriah's Gold

was never a profitable trade

The world never rewards a betrayer

Payman Abdali

November 30th, 2012

Tehran Skies

I like

Hot food
hard work
hot women
cold beer
Tehran Skies

firm handshakes
passing heartbreaks
never an earthquake
Tehran skies

a coctail with Tequila
to party in a villa
villa with Jilla
Tehran skies

rock & roll fashion
a never ending passion
listeners discretion
Tehran skies

an underdog warrior
feeling a bit superior
soothing calm interior
Tehran skies

calm and happiness
health and craziness
a profiting business
Tehran skies

be able to sleep
a calm and soothing sleep
underneath the sheets
under the Tehran skies

Payman Abdali

Mr. Paranoid

Mr. Paranoid

I see things
I hear things
I talk to things
And he calls me Mr. Paranoid

I feel things
I’m kept from things
I shoot things
But I’m the one who gets destroyed

I’m in love with a love, who is in love, but in love with somebody else,
She’s with me, but in her dreams, she’s in love but in love with somebody else
I wanna scream, I wanna yell I wanna kick I wanna shoot that somebody else
But in despair, I push her, into love but in love with that somebody else

I sing to things
I scream at things
I speak to thing
And he calls me Mr. Paranoid

I hate things
I love things
I’m confused
And I’m the one who gets destroyed

I’m in love with a love, who is in love, but in love with somebody else,
She’s with me, but in her dreams, she’s in love but in love with somebody else
I wanna scream, I wanna yell I wanna kick I wanna shoot that somebody else
But in despair, I push her, into love but in love with that somebody else

A kid without a toy, narcissistic pile of shit
I’m an angry middle aged punk
Who does not know when to quit
I mess up the world cause I don’t believe in it
And I’m branded as a lunatic, an ignorant a paranoid

I can’t sleep
I can’t breath
I can’t eat
And he calls me Mr. Paranoid

I hear lies
I find lies
I feel lies
But I’m the one who gets destroyed

I’m in love with a love, who is in love, but in love with somebody else,
She’s with me, but in her dreams, she’s in love but in love with somebody else
I wanna scream, I wanna yell I wanna kick I wanna shoot that somebody else
But in despair, I push her, into love but in love with that somebody else

I’m in love with a love, who is in love, but in love with somebody else,
She’s with me, but in her dreams, she’s in love but in love with somebody else
I wanna scream, I wanna yell I wanna kick I wanna shoot that somebody else
But in despair, I push her, into love but in love with that somebody else


Payman Abdali
July 29, 2006

Disturbed

when senses are agitated
when nothing is what it seems
when everything is tested
and failed
I get agitated
on the edge
I am disturbed

I lay next to you
I touch you
but these are not my hands
I kiss you
but these are not my lips
I make love to you
but I am a different man
this is not me
I sigh in pain
I am disturbed

There is despair, there is confusion
there is secrecy, there are unspoken words
unread memoirs, secret communication
disturbing constitutions

would getting by these unsettling events
make up an absolution?
to care or not to care
not to feel
is all I feel
I am disturbed

"Forgive and forget" whispers in my ears
"let it go, let it go" ponders in my brain
"leave it behind..
leave it behind" enslaves my will
my body, my soul, my heart, my trust, my hope, my love,
Are all of these, infected used handkerchiefs?
betrayal a normal mischief?
and today.... just another day?
I am disturbed

"it happens all the time" whispers in my ears
"to everyone, it just happens'' dictates into my soul
am I the "every" one? I've lost my goal!
every simple, normal sucker
who accepts, who forgets
who believes that this is just normal
but I am disturbed

"It is not that important"
"not as you think it is,"
"why do you care?"
"You take it too seriously, it is not that serious"
repeats in my brain
I am disturbed

making love to you I only see others with you
not me, I am barely breathing
barely keeping up with the visions of others
making love to you I fade to gray
I fade to black
I fade to infinity
I am disturbed

Where do I go from here?
where do we go from here?
you seem calm
I am disturbed.

Prague Memoirs 2

It was a beautiful day, September 6th. Around noon I walked onto the Charles bridge, filled with tourists. I chose a specific spot, went to the edge, bent over and tried to locate the place where the current was the strongest. As my eyes froze on the cold river and as my muscles started to shiver and before I was able to do anything someone padded me on the back.

"hello, is that you Payman? Do you remember me?" was the sweet sound of a girl that I met maybe two years prior in a tea house in Prague. "Hi," I stuttered. "I mean yes, how are you? how did you recognized me in this crowd?" my lips were muttering words uncontrollably. "Well, you were the only person without a camera and not looking at the status or the artists but staring down into the river. What were you doing?" She asked as if she was told to find me in the hundreds of passing tourists in one of the most congested tourist areas in Europe.

"I" I stopped a bit then continued "I was going to jump." She laughed "into the river? seriously? what did you do wrong to punish yourself like this? I mean I don't want to intrude in your life but did you do something so bad that you can only forgive yourself by jumping into the river?" She stressed on the word "wrong" bent her head and smiled sarcastically.

"No. I did not do anything wrong. I did not" I kept repeating the last word "I did not."

"well, I am going to have lunch with a couple of my girlfriends we then go out to have drinks and then possibly go dancing in the evening. If you come to your senses and realize that you are not the one to be punished for something you did not do, then come join us and have a fun evening with three loud and funny girls." She then gave me the direction to an authentic Czech restaurant close to the bridge and with a wink said "so in half an hour either a cold beer or a cold river. You choose" and walked away.

I watched her beautiful slender but physically fit body moving gracefully away from me and within seconds she was lost in the crowd. That was like a thunderstruck. Vltava was smoothly passing under the bridge and still calling for my surrender. One does not send an invitation without persuasion. But the shock of Sylvia's words were paramount.

I looked deeply into Vltava, made a gesture with my index finger and talked loud like a strong leader talking down to his troops "No, not me. I should not be the one jumping. You fantastic river, the river of Kafka and Mozart, next time send your invitation to the person who did the wrong thing. I am going to enjoy my life from now on until the time when my breath cannot catch up with my yearnings for life and love and up to the point that I have no more use for this world."

Boy I had fun later on that day.

The bike riders

3 am and the roaring disturbs,
the melancholy half asleep of a man
counting sheep as he measures
the distance between the TV and the dining table
for the hundredth time.

“if only I had a rifle!!”
he murmurs, lost between heaven and hell
lost and found
hurt and in pain
he only finds disgust.

“aah, the one with night vision!”
he visualizes shooting every single
power motorcycle rider
every special guard of terror
on 1000cc engine bikes
that roar in the highway beyond his house
that create terror in his insomnia
every night at 3 am

a glass half full
half empty
with water next to sleeping pills
the glass at the edge of the table
he looks, he feels agitated
would the glass fall?
would it break?
more noise…..aaaaah. no

he takes a strong step
but noiseless as he leaps
he see the ghosts of fear
he feels the roll of a tear
burning down on his chick
and he picks the glass as
he reaches the edge of the table
he adjusts the location
he measures the situation “….ah now that is stable..”

he breathes out a sigh
but the roaring sound denies
any moment of peace
more noise….aaaah

“I’m gonna shoot you all…”
he grinds his teeth
and takes the pill
while he holds the glass with both hands
as he avoids every sharp corner
every horrifying imagination
of sharp objects
rush up to his brain as the pill descends
down, down, down.

His mind ridicules his actions
he slides by the bed
where his beauty sleeps
and he listens to every breath
in, out
“..thank you God, she is still breathing..”
in, out
the family is alive
not kicking, just alive
and sound asleep

But the roaring of the bikes
drill painfully in his brain
its 4 am and another pill
and another glass
half full
half empty
at the edge of the table
and another agitation
grips the nerves
sweeps the logic
and create a jungle of sharp objects.